he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize