allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
