I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
