The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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