How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
