i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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