I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
