Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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