I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
