Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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