I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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