You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
