at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize