Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
