The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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