I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
