I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You can't motorboat a personality
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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