If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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