Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
