Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
