I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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