You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
