I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize