i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
