what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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