On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
