I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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