I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Randomize
