My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
