Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
