Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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