She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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