I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
