We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
