the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
