i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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