He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Randomize
