More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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