I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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