My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
