He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
