so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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