I understand why you refuse to be sober now
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
