If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
