New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
