theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
