If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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