my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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