and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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