I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
