My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
