if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize