I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize