Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
