I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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