No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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