ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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