Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
