I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
