she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
