Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Who died my cat blue again?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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