Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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