i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
