i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize